Episode 14: A Christmas Special

by Brentai

OUR STORY BEGINS... IN THE CAPITOL!

	United States Senate o/~ Jingle Bells, Brentai smells, Luke has got the gay! Stiv and Thad in bed are bad and Brad's the mayor of Tempe! o/~
	Frodo Excuse me, Mr. Ashcroft, but shouldn't they be passing more legislation against buildings spontaneously combusting instead of being forced to sing Christmas songs for you all day?
	John Ashcroft What are you, some kind of terrorist?
	Frodo What? No! I just said...
	John Ashcroft I heard what you said! You just said... erm... what's that thing... that thing that explodes?
	Frodo A middle class salaryworker in a tall building?
	John Ashcroft No, no, the thing that's SUPPOSED to explode.
	Frodo ...bomb?
	John Ashcroft There! He said bomb!
	Frodo But YOU just said bomb!
	John Ashcroft He said bomb twice! Off with his head!
	Frodo Ah, bugger.

MEAN-FUCKING-WHILE!

	MYSTERIOUSSHADOWYFIGURE Bomb Bomb Bomb, Bomb Bombara...
	MYSTERIOUSSHADOWYFIGURE Ah! My mole in the Capitol is transmitting a feed!
	MYSTERIOUSSHADOWYFIGURE ...oh, this can't be good.

OH SHIT, WHAT IS THE MOLE UP TO?

	John Ashcroft But before I kill you, I need to detail my evil plan.
	Frodo (Oh, the "Villain is obsessively compelled to detail his evil plan" joke. Ha, ha.) You fiend! You'll never get away with this!
	John Ashcroft Dude, you're jumping your lines.
	Frodo Just trying keep SOME spontaneity in this story.
	John Ashcroft Damnation and hellfire it, I've lost my place. Everyone put your thumb on your scripts while I find it. Hmm.

WHAT COULD THE MIGHTY TRINITY BE UP TO AT A TIME LIKE THIS?

Stevie T. We're having sex with animals again!

NEVERMIND!

	John Ashcroft Oh, okay, my evil plan. Ahem. Everyone ready?
	Ambiguously Gay Greg Nope, just gay.
	John Ashcroft It is written on the Generic Artifact that he who makes the U.S. Senate sing the Hidden Song of Summoning will be able to summon The Beast, who will be forced to do the summoner's bidding before he can blow up the world.
	John Ashcroft Using the power of The Beast, I will finally be able to destroy that Satan-spawn, Santa Claus, and bring Christmas back to being a celebration of our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ in Heaven.
	Frodo And explode the world, you loony git!
	John Ashcroft I fail to see the problem with that. Armageddon gives me a God-boner.
	Frodo Ooookay. But what if, say, a criminal mastermind were to stop you or The Beast? What then?
	John Ashcroft Impossible. The Beast has no weaknesses! Well, except for the sound of One Heart, One Voice, and One Song. But such a thing belongs to nobody! Ha ha!
	Frodo Well, Mr. Ashcroft, you've been most informative.
	John Ashcroft Too bad there's no chance that you can possibly escape your death, huh?
	Frodo Pretty much. Here, hold this wire.
	John Ashcroft Okay. Hmm, what could this be f...
	John Ashcroft FRUITCAKES!
	United States Senate o/~ Fool the villain with obvious setups, fa la la la la, la la la la! o/~

HOURS LATER:

	Brentai Hey Stiv, pass the ham would you?
	Thad Some more turkey for me, please.
	Brad Can I have some cranberry sauce?
	Thad That's disgusting.
	MYSTERIOUSSHADOWYFIGURE Knock fuckity knock, Trinity!
	Brentai I've got it.
	Brentai Look, if you're selling Dianetics... it's YOU!
	Scott Sharkey II How are you gent... shut up. Look, I know we're arch... WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON BACK THERE?
	Brentai Nothing is going on back there.
	Scott Sharkey II You're not wearing pants, Brent.
	Brentai I am wearing pants.
	Scott Sharkey II Your...
	Brentai These are not the droids you're looking for.
	Scott Sharkey II Would you stop waving your hand in my face?
	Brentai Sorry.
	Scott Sharkey II Look, I know we're archenemies but I need your help.
	Brentai We're archenemies? Hey guys, is Sharkey our archenemy?
	Thad I thought that was Dr. Billy.
	Brad I thought it was stale Combos.
	Scott Sharkey II What? Of course I'm your archenemy! I lead The Enemy! We fight all the time, like ninjas!
	Thad But we've never fought you before.
	Scott Sharkey II That's... uh, true. Look, the fate of the world hangs in the balance here! Moreso than usual! And this is a Christmas special! So let's team the fuck up!
	Thad Sure. Want some lamb?
	Scott Sharkey II God I hate Christmas.

OUR HEROES RUSH TO THE CAPITOL! WHOO-BLOODY-SH.

	John Ashcroft Ha! You're too late!
	Thad No we're not. You're still just making them sing Christmas carols.
	United States Senate o/~ Alex Chiu! What a screw! He's so fly! Cannot die! Always wearing his magnetic rings, never punctual sending things! Have eternal li-ife! For a lo-ow price! o/~
	Scott Sharkey II Christmas songs blow the cranberry sauce. Here, you guys play this.
	John Edwards o/~ Bomb Bomb Bomb, Bomb Bombara Anne! o/~
	John Ashcroft Terrorist!
	John Kerry o/~ Bomb Bomb Bomb, Bomb Bombara Anne!! o/~
	John Ashcroft Terrorist!!
	Joe Lieberman o/~ Bomb Bomb Bomb, Bomb Bombara Anne!!! o/~
	John Ashcroft Terrorist!!!
	Osama bin Laden o/~ Bomb Bomb Bomb, BOMB BOMBARA ANNE!!!!! o/~
	John Ashcroft TERRORIST!!!!!
	United States Senate o/~ Bombara A-a-anne! Please take my ha-a-and! You got me rockin' and a rollin', rockin' and a wheelin' Bombara Anne! o/~
	Osama bin Laden o/~ Bomb Bomb Bomb, Bomb Bombara Anne. o/~
	THE BEAST WHO SUMMONS ME?!?!?!?!
	John Ashcroft Oh, wow. Uh, I do, oh Beast!
	Thad Actually, Sharkey did.
	Scott Sharkey II It was a mistake! I need a do over.
	THE BEAST Make your wish, oh son of Sharks, so that I may destroy this world!
	Scott Sharkey II I wish for more wishes.
	THE BEAST No fuzzy dice, Fishy.
	Scott Sharkey II I wish for you to not destroy the world?
	THE BEAST Sure, I can do that. And when I'm done, I destroy the world.
	Scott Sharkey II Okay, okay. Um, uuuuuuuuum...
	John Ashcroft You wish for Santa Claus to die.
	Scott Sharkey II Not really.
	John Ashcroft You wish for Santa Claus to die.
	Scott Sharkey II Stop waving your hand in front of my face.
	John Ashcroft You wish...
	Scott Sharkey II Beast, kill John Ashcroft.
	THE BEAST That I can do.
	Aleister Crowley TIME FOR THE EAT BOMB, FUCKO!
	John Ashcroft TerrorAAAAAIEGH...
	Aleister Crowley *gobble* *snarf* *snap*
	Stevie T. So The Beast is Aleister Crowley?
	Aleister Crowley Yeah, aren't I?
	Scott Sharkey II Now I REALLY wish I hadn't done that.
	Aleister Crowley Muwahaha! Eat Bomb! EAT Bomb! And now, I will Eat Bomb the world!
	Thad This looks pretty bad. Guess I'll have to use my Final Summoning. This is gonna kill me... you guys all right with that?
	Scott Sharkey II Well, er, yeah. I'm pretty down with that.
	Stevie T. Man, the F in this KFC certainly doesn't stand for Fried!
	Thad I hate you all.
	Thad HOOOOOOOOOOOO!

BIG IMPRESSIVE EFFECT!

	Wil Wheaton The heck? I've been summoned?
	Thad I've given my life for that? Fuck. Dies.
	Scott Sharkey II Wait a minute. Wil! Sing me a song!
	Wil Wheaton o/~ My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, and they're like, "What the fuck is up with that milkshake?" o/~
	Stevie T. Dude, you so cannot rap.
	Wil Wheaton o/~ No shit, I so cannot rap. o/~
	Scott Sharkey II One heart, one voice, one song.
	Aleister Crowley ...a nobody. Oh for the love of...
	Aleister Crowley Puff.
	Scott Sharkey II And now without your leader, I...
	Thad Yo, biznatches. I'm back.
	Scott Sharkey II What the fuck?
	Thad Spirit a' Christmas, boiiiii.
	Wil Wheaton Word to your mother!
	Scott Sharkey II I fucking hate Christmas. Later, dorkgrabbers!
	Brad Hurf blurf smurf... Hey Wil, you want in on this shit?
	Wil Wheaton Got any Tribbles?
	Brad ...no?
	Wil Wheaton Beam me up, Scotty, there's no intelligent life in the Capitol.
	Thad And so, Christmas and the World are saved, thanks to the Mighty Trinity!
	Brentai Actually, Sharkey saved Christmas. We just saved the world.
	Thad Actually, I just saved the world. You guys put your dicks in things the whole time.
	Brentai Well God bless us, every one.
	Luke OH YEAH!
	Buddy Christ And a very merry Christmas from the birthday boy himself.
	Buddy Christ The End!