KateStory Gaiden

No more writeups are being accepted for this node. You shouldn't have eaten the damned pie.

Meanwhile, in another time, another space...

McDohl was standing about in the space between dimensions, peeved that he had been brought in to this messy reality without rhyme or reason.  After everything had seemed to end, he was still here, waiting to be returned from whence he came, but apparently no one had sent him the memo about Katestory ending completely.  He began to pace about the space between dimensions.  Then, he realized that he had company as he turned around.

"Who the hell are you?"

McDohl stopped and eyed this newcomer confusedly.  It looked like a red book with eyes and a mouth, with hair-like protrusions extending from both the front and back cover.

"Just some guy who got caught up in a mess of fiction..."  McDohl froze, realizing what was going on.  LOGIC had been reborn.  The Median Spell had been reactivated.  The image of someone diving to stop some catastrophic event in slow motion while shouting "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" like Darth Vader passed through his mind.  Katestory, in fact, continued on, despite the fact that its central characters had been released from its power.

"Damn it all to..." McDohl launched in to a flurry of profanity that caused the book to uncharacteristically turn away in embarassment until the wave of foul language had ceased.

"Now, I'll say it again.  'Who the hell are you?'  And you'd better not start swearing at me again," the book said.

McDohl spoke slowly, now curious as to why a large red book was talking to him.  "I...er, I'm McDohl, of the Toran Republic.  Who are you?"

The book began to laugh as the hair-like protrusions began to whip up, as though being affected by the wind.  "I'm Lord Zetta, the baddest freaking Overlord in the universe!  What are you doing in this place?  Only Overlords are allowed here!"

McDohl, despite being in the presence of the 'baddest freaking Overlord' looked down at Zetta.  "So...you're the boss of some place?"

Zetta bent in an odd way for a book to seem like he was nodding.  "Yeah."  He seemed to come to a realization.  "Hey!  Don't dodge the question!  What are you doing here?"

McDohl shrugged. "I dunno.  I was called away from a nice fishing trip in Zexen to appear in some silly fan story amalgamation called 'Katestory'..." McDohl shuddered involuntarily. "...and apparently the writers forgot about me and left me here."

Zetta looked confused.  "Katestory?  What's that?"

McDohl looked around apprehensively.  "If I'm right...you'll see soon enough."

Then, almost as if on cue, two figures appeared.  The first was one of the most recognizable blue robots in existence, looking as moody as ever.  The second was a short, purple hedgehog.  McDohl let out another spew of curses.

A few moments later, X pulled out a handkerchief and wiped the spittle off his face.  "Well, if you're quite through..."  X looked at the book and thought for a moment.  "I fucking knew it."

HX looked at X.  "What?"

X shook his head, then clenched his fist while looking at the horizon broodingly.  "I knew he wouldn't just leave it alone.  He fell in love with the power of controlling a reality."

X teleported away, leaving HX, McDohl, and Zetta in the space between dimensions.

---

X landed outside of the smoldering wreckage of the Fortress of Craptitude.  Afro Jon was clawing his way out from underneath some rubble.  The battle robot shook his head.  "Damn.  He is a maniac."  Leaving Afro Jon to try and get himself out of the tangled mess of rock, steel, and broken pornography DVDs, X set out toward the city to find Brent and Thad, as they would have the only means of fighting this new menace.

(That's right, bitches.  I'm bringing Nippon Ichi in to Katestory.)

(BONUS!!  Today, I enter the ranks of Katestory authors that point out continuity errors!  This time, in myself!)


(This is not the first time Nippon Ichi has been referenced in a Katestory.  Also, THIS IS A NON SEQUITUR!  Sort of.)

X was doing his usual schtick: running toward the right and blasting.  Never mind the fact that he was in a populated city that had no sort of fight going on in it, no robot master, or any sort of crisis that needed averting before he could get on to the 8 robot master stages.  He was using the defensive logic of, "If I don't find Thad and Brent, then things are going to be much worse than I'm making them."  He leapt in to the air and tried to do an air dash over a car.  He found that he couldn't.  He tried to do a multi-level X-Buster charge.  He found that he couldn't.  He wondered if maybe, just maybe, he could pull out Zero's Beam Saber.  He couldn't.  It was then that he passed by a Disney Store and saw a 1994 Lion King calendar in the window.

X stopped his almost random destruction and stared at the calendar.  He ran an internal diagnostic.

X-Buster Power Generator: 92% efficiency
Positronic Matrix: Normal
Internal Chronometer: ALL FUCKED UP
Angst Drive: MAXIMUM OUTPUT

... and so on and so forth.

X nodded as the diagnostic completed, noting that everything was normal with the exception of his chronometer.  He thought that it was September, 2005, when it appeared that he was in 1994. 

"Well, that would account for the fact that I can't bend at the knees.  So, somehow, my memories of the past 11 years has somehow made it back in to my 1994 body."

"Jesus, you weren't kidding."

X turned around quickly to find Maleophonix the Singing Candy Machine.

"Hedgie?"

"Yeah.  It seems that everyone's reverted by 11 years."

Suddenly, a spotlight appeared on Maleophonix and he tried to start singing a very bad rendition of 1000 Words, but X held up his Buster Cannon right at Maleophonix's coin slot.  "Don't.  Even.  Spoony.  Think.  About.  It."

Maleophonix did a double take.  "What did you say?"

"I said, 'Don't even spoony think...'"

X did a double take.  "What the spoony?"

Maleophonix nodded (how does a candy machine nod anyway?).  "11 years...that would put it about the time of Ted Woosley's reign."

Suddenly, after 2 whole Katestory books, Ted Woosley's animated corpse sprung back in to full life, having been shambling across America.

---

Dr. Wily had Gok hooked up to a Robotocizer that he had stolen from Dr. Robotnik.  He cackled insanely.  "Leave me out, will the?!  IGNORE MY GENIUS, WILL THEY?!  LET'S SEE HOW THEY LIKE THIS!"

Gok blinked.  "Er...do you want me to tell you about my mother or something?"

I swear to God I had NOTHING to do with this.





http://www.gbsgames.com/games/street.swf

Northern Arizona University
December 24, 2030

Jimmy von Garda sat staring into the computer screen at the Boyd Library.  It wasn't as comfortable as his own Slackware box back in his Pine Ridge apartment, but it was slightly less deserted, as his roommates had all gone home for Snowflake Day.  Snow swirled in the sky above the Skydome, but the streets of Flagstaff were nice and warm.

What an odd place to spend the holiday, he mused.  But damned if he was going home this Snowflake Day.  His parents were fighting again -- the same old stuff as always, of course, which largely boiled down to Mom being a whole lot smarter than Dad.  He missed his little sister, though.

But all in all, he was just as happy spending Snowflake Day in the Boyd Library, researching its founder.  That was largely why he'd come to NAU in the first place -- he was a history buff and a conspiracy nut, rather like his mother, and had always been eager to connect the dots regarding President Boyd's mysterious disappearance.

All his studies indicated that Boyd had known damned well about the 20-Year Curse, but had run for President anyway for two reasons: firstly, he figured the curse had been defanged based on the past two Presidents it should have affected, as Reagan was shot but not killed and Bush died in prison many years after his impeachment.  And secondly, he never expected for a second to win.

Most people assumed Boyd dead by now -- he'd disappeared several years ago, after all -- but President McCauley and his cabinet staunchly stuck to their story that Boyd had merely been kidnapped by ninjas, and they were awaiting a day when a bad enough dude would rescue him.

Jimmy had always hoped that perhaps one day he would be that dude, or at least help find some vital clue which would steer that dude on the right track.  And so he'd come here, looking for clues at Boyd's own alma mater -- and immediately been hit with the irony that the campus bore almost no resemblance to Boyd's days there.  The hulking forms of Sechrist and Reilly remained, as well as Pine Ridge Village, the apartments which had been the newest and best on campus during Boyd's days there but were a laughable turn-of-the-century relic now.  But they were cheap, too, and that was a large part of why Jimmy lived there.

The Skydome, so rumor had it, had then been the name of a football stadium, rather than the geodesic dome covering the bulk of the city.  The dome itself was, of course, a very recent addition -- Boyd had pushed for city domes for years and, like most of his policies, they had overwhelmingly passed Congress after his disappearance.

This library, named after President Boyd, certainly hadn't been there when he was a student.  There must, Jimmy mused, have been another library there in those days.  A library which was actually full of currently-published books and periodicals and -- and this was perhaps hardest to believe at all -- computers for the students which didn't have any.

This library was mainly a meeting place for study groups, though it also contained the largest collection of comic books west of the Mississippi.  Some, in fact, were from the missing President's personal collection.  Jimmy looked over and eyed a signed copy of Quantum and Woody #1, in a glass display alongside the rest of the series.  It also contained a yellowed, dogeared, water-damaged pair of printouts which, according to a note below them, were the first pages of Issue 4 which Boyd had downloaded, printed out, and stuck to his door his Freshman year.

Jimmy blinked, and when his eyes reopened he was shocked to see a portly man standing right in front of the glass display, eyeing something at the bottom.  Jimmy blinked again and the man was gone.

He recoiled.  "Did -- did anyone else just see that guy?" he asked.  The other students looked at him oddly.

A Workerbot strolled over.  "What seems to be the problem, Sir?"

"N-nothing," Jimmy stammered.  "Workerbot, did you just see a man standing by that display case?"

"I'm afraid not," the Workerbot responded.  "Are you feeling all right?  Is there anything I can do for you?"

Jimmy furrowed his brow and walked over to the display case to see what the man had been looking at.  His eyes widened in surprise as he noticed a tiny keyhole near the base.  He looked back at the Workerbot.  "Workerbot," he said, "do you see that keyhole?"

Abruptly the Workerbot's behavior changed entirely.  It clutched its head and made gasping noises -- completely uncharacteristic for a robot.  "Kid," it hissed, "there's a key...in my pocket."

Jimmy was incredulous.  The robot was not wearing clothes and certainly did not have any pockets.  But he made out a faint outline on one of its hips, which he proceeded to run his hand over looking for an opening.  He felt something small, cool and metallic in his hand, and looked down to see a battered key with the Ace Hardware logo on it.

Abruptly the Workerbot stood back up as if nothing had happened.  As Jimmy looked around, he saw that nobody else seemed to have noticed anything either.

"Curiouser and curiouser," he muttered to himself.  "Down the rabbit-hole I guess...just like Mom in those stories she used to tell about her and the President."

He crouched down, inserted the key into the lock, and turned.  A small compartment opened, and he found a small and battered notebook.  As he flipped through it, he found most of the pages empty, save for some ranting about the RIAA at the back and what appeared to be some sort of story at the front.



And that was it.

Jimmy's head reeled.  He had stumbled across not only what was obviously a handwritten story by the former President himself, but could only be something he'd heard of in hushed whispers from his parents, who would always make sidelong glances as if they feared even mentioning it: an unfinished KateStory.

And not just any unfinished KateStory.  This, he was sure, was a KateStory meant to commemorate the first meeting of President Boyd and Secretary of Education O'Houlihan in the summer of 2005.  If he recalled his history correctly, JD Gaynor had been there as well.

Jimmy reverently put the notebook in his backpack.  He was sure this was some sort of key to the mystery of President Boyd's disappearance -- why else hide it?  He slung the backpack over his shoulder and stumbled out of the library and toward south campus, his mind full of questions.

He turned the key in his lock -- room D13, AKA Deep 13, Boyd's own apartment, if he had only known -- and was rather shocked to see a portly figure on the couch.

It was, unmistakably, the same man he had seen earlier in the library.  The man wore a red-and-white checkered shirt that reminded Jimmy of a tablecloth at an Italian restaurant, with green suspenders.  He had a white beard and a bulbous red nose, which Jimmy assumed was a direct result of the flask the old man was currently taking a long pull from.

"Peppermint schnapps?" the old man asked, eyes twinkling.

"Why the hell not?" Jimmy responded.  He crossed the room, set down his bag, and took a pull from the flask himself.  "Care to explain what you're doing in my room, what you were doing in the library, why you showed me the keyhole, and/or why nobody else saw you?"

The old man stretched out and put his feet on the table.  "A Christmas miracle, my dear boy.  Now come on and sit a spell.  It's a Wonderful Life is on."

Jimmy shrugged and complied.  If there was one thing his folks had taught him in life, it was to go with the flow when weird shit started happening.  And also to avoid magic rain if at all possible.

"My name's Sinterklaas," the old man said.  "Merry Christmas."

"Jimmy von Garda," he responded.  "Happy Snowflake Day."

...watched in amazement as his drunken neighbor teetered on the edge of the second-story awning and then fell face-down in the snow.

"Oh, God dammit," muttered a voice, and the RA came to see if the drunken college boy, now giggling hysterically, was all right.

Pine Ridge had changed very little in 25 years.

Jimmy laughed, then sighed, as he and Sinterklaas walked up the stairs and then climbed out onto the roof.

They climbed into the sleigh.  "Hang on," said Sinterklaas.  He snapped his fingers and a giant ring appeared.  The reindeer dashed through it and, with a loud POP, the two found themselves right outside the von Garda residence.

"Nice meeting you, kid," said Sinterklaas.  "Look...I know you've got your work cut out for you here, but I'm afraid I'm on a pretty tight schedule and I've gotta head back west in a hurry to make up for my little detour.  I've got the Pacific coast to cover and then it's on back to Finland.

"But I've got something for you," he continued, reaching into the large sack behind him.  Jimmy watched, somewhat perplexed, as Sinterklaas withdrew a large hawk, which cawed and beat its wings a bit.

"His name's Cully," Sinterklaas said, and, at Jimmy's quizzical look, he said, "You'll know what he's for in very short order."  He stretched his arm out and Cully jumped onto Jimmy's shoulder.  "Good luck, lad...and..." he smirked, "happy holidays."

With another loud popping noise, Sinterklaas was gone.  Cully nibbled Jimmy's ear.  Jimmy winced, and walked to his parents' front door.

"What the hell am I thinking?" he muttered to himself, and opted not to enter into an unknown and highly dangerous situation by the front door.  He moved around to the side gate and peered in the sliding glass door.

The house was full of ninjas.

Ninjas.  Just like the ones who had purportedly kidnapped the President.

CRASH.

Before Jimmy could decide what to do, Cully had already taken matters into his own hands and dove, full-speed, through the door, sending a spray of glass shards everywhere and diving straight for the crowd of ninjas.

"Of COURSE," Jimmy said.  "Hawks are the ninja's greatest natural enemy!"

He reached through the hole in the door and unlocked it, sliding it open.  He had no weapons, and was hardly a match for the average ninja, but he was good in a fight and driven by a desire to find his family.

A ninja leapt at him.  He ducked to the floor, scooped up a handful of broken glass, and threw it into the assassin's face, following with a quick punch to the stomach.  Cully wheeled around and slashed with his talons, and the ninja crumpled to the ground and lay still.

"Good work, bird," Jimmy said.  "That's one down, Lord only knows how many to go."

They had used up the element of surprise, and they were surrounded by assassins.  Cully beat his wings furiously, keeping them back, but it was a stalemate: if the hawk moved to the offensive, Jimmy would be a sitting duck.

Then he heard another voice.

"Look, I don't know what the hell kind of wild Christmas Eve party we've got going here, but I just came back to get my...oh.  Fuck."

As the nearest ninja's attention turned to the door, Jimmy saw his opening and took it, swiftly kicking him in the stomach and then punching him in the throat.  He rushed forward, knocking his foe to the ground while clotheslining two others.  Cully took out several more, keeping Jimmy's back guarded.

"Dad!" Jimmy shouted.

"I am getting too old for this shit," Billy grumbled.

"What happened?" Jimmy panted, between punching ninjas.

"You tell me!" Billy responded, surprised.  "I just got here!"

Jimmy grabbed a katana from a fallen ninja and threw it toward Billy.  "You still know how to handle one of these?"

Billy fumbled and dropped it.

"Oh for Christ's sake," Jimmy said, dodging a punch, "have you just gotten back from dinner with Anticlimax?"

Billy finally picked up the sword and plunged it into a nearby ninja.  "Well yes, but that's beside the point!"

Jimmy looked around the room.  The ninjas were down.  He breathed a sigh of relief.  "Take a minute to catch your breath," he said, "but I know there are more.  They've got Elaine, and presumably Mom too."  He gathered up a pair of swords and all the shuriken he could comfortably carry.  "Ready?"

Billy wheezed but nodded.

Jimmy led the way through the hallways of the rather large house, Cully on his shoulder, until he reached the door to the den.  "Bird, work your magic."

With a loud cry, Cully smashed the door to splinters.

The den was absolutely crawling with ninjas.  And, on the far wall stood a humanoid robot, silver and white with empty black eyes and some rather wicked-looking body armor, holding Elaine in a headlock.  Jimmy dimly registered that this was almost certainly the robot which had answered the phone earlier, but he had little time to ruminate on this as the battle began anew.  He had to fight his way to Elaine, had to save his sister...but there were too many, there wasn't enough time to get there, he realized as the robot smiled in grim satisfaction...

POP.

Another giant ring.

Jimmy breathed a sigh of relief.

"I thought you said you were going, old man."

"Watch your mouth, kid, I'm not THAT old," said a voice.

Billy gaped.  "Larry?"

A green light washed over the room and a figure lunged at the robot at the end of the room, forcing him to let go of Elaine.

Billy gaped.  "Kate?"

Cully swooped down and menaced the surrounding ninjas, giving Elaine time to get into the fight too.

The robot cursed.  "Damned interlopers!  But you are too late.  Our victory is already assured!"

"They already took Mom!" Elaine shouted, by way of explanation.

"Oh, yes," said the robot, "and we'll take more than that."  All eyes turned to the robot as it reached into a bag on its side and somehow pulled out...

Billy gaped.  "GIRARD?!"

Girard looked extremely confused to be there, and slightly dizzy.  He only got dizzier as the robot then proceeded to swing him around by his feet and then hurl him directly at Elaine.

But THREE figures had emerged from the giant ring, and now the third one leapt forward, lunging onto Elaine to knock her out of the way.  Girard landed in the corner, where his head immediately ignited a pile of newspapers.

The robot grinned sadistically.  The ninjas advanced.

"We're not going to win this battle," Kate snarled.  "Out the back!  Now!"

Billy and Elaine rushed for the exit, with Jimmy and Cully guarding their exit and Kate, Larry, and Janey holding back the tide of ninjas.  When they saw an opening, they all ran for the exit.

Janey whispered the words to some unknown spell to bar the way behind them.

"That'll keep them back, but not for long."

They bolted out the sliding door and into Billy's minivan, piling in and peeling out.

"A MINIVAN?" Elaine panted.  "Not exactly the ideal getaway car!"

"Actually," said Larry, "it's about the last damn thing they'll expect."

Jimmy appeared to think deeply for a moment, and then said, "And they sure as SHIT won't expect us to go straight back to Flagstaff."

"Are you CRAZY?" Elaine asked.

Larry smirked.  "He's right, kid.  It's a move so boneheaded they'll never expect it.  Plus, Jimmy, you're on the right track.  All the clues are in Flagstaff...and you'll find a friend there, too.  In fact, you've already met him."

"Won't they be watching the roads?" Elaine asked.

"Not the way their minds work," Larry responded.  "They'll be expecting us to continue to travel by teleportation..." he smirked at Kate, "and I intend to give them what they want."  He traced a ring in the air.

Kate frowned.  "You intend to continue playing both sides, you mean," she responded.  She traced a ring of her own in the air.

"Whatever it takes to win," Larry responded.  POP, he was gone.

"Likewise," Kate murmured.  "Janey, stay with them."  POP, she was gone too.

Elaine and Jimmy turned their eyes to Janey; Billy did too through the rearview mirror.

"It's been a long time," she said, looking from Billy to Elaine to Jimmy.  "Haven't seen you kids since you were prepubescent.  ...So aside from ninjas burning down your house, how's life been for you?"

Silence, broken by the caw of the hawk.

"Yeah, I know," said Janey quietly.  "Merry Christmas."

Jimmy entered the Boyd Library, followed by Janey, Billy, and Elaine.  They had set Cully loose outside so he wouldn't attract undue attention.

Jimmy's eyes swept the library for signs of the Workerbot he had met previously, the Workerbot who Janey and Billy were so sure was none other than Gok Tinnik.

But the Workerbot was nowhere to be found.

Jimmy sighed and decided to ask the nearest Workerbot for help.

"Excuse me, Workerbot, but do you know what happened to the Workerbot who was working here on December 24th?"

"It was malfunctioning," responded the Workerbot.  "It was sent to the head of the Computer Science Department for repair."

Jimmy's jaw dropped in horror.

"Do you think he's in danger?" Janey asked, mistaking the look.

"No," Jimmy said.  "Worse yet.  There's no professor whose vacation I'd like to interrupt less..."

But there was no need, as at that very moment the doors of the library burst open, and Dr. Eckehard Death entered.  The winter chill seemed to enter with him, which was odd since they were in a climate-controlled dome.

Dr. Death had a long, flowing black cape and a robotic right arm, and hid his face behind an iron mask, but he wore a T-shirt and a pair of jeans.  He looked something like this:



The students whispered many rumors of how he had been disfigured: some said it was a particularly nasty skiing or hiking accident, while others said it was a particularly vicious reaction from a student who had finally snapped while attempting to code a Scheme interpreter over Spring Break.  Others said he had volunteered for some sort of nasty experiment, while still others said his arm wasn't really robotic and his face was fine, he just dressed like that to be theatrical.  Which would make sense for somebody who'd had his name legally changed to Dr. Death.

Jimmy didn't know which rumor was true.  He only knew one thing for certain: Dr. Death had started each and every single one of the rumors himself, and encouraged them.

"Jimmy von Garda," came Death's sly, cheerful voice, echoing in his iron mask.  "The only history major ever to pass my Principles of Languages class."

"Dr. Death," said Jimmy.  "This is my father, Billy, my sister, Elaine, and Janey, an old friend of the family."

"And you're showing them around campus?" Death asked rhetorically.

"Yes," said Jimmy.  "Say, Dr. Death -- what's this I hear about a Workerbot you've taken in for repair?"

"Hmmmm," said Dr. Death.  "Strange case, that.  Keeps babbling something about the missing President."

Jimmy's eyes widened.

"Ah, yes," said Dr. Death.  "I remember hearing somewhere that you were quite an enthusiast on the subject of President Boyd.  ...I taught him, you know.  Nice guy, enthusiastic.  Average student.  An open-source advocate, even then.  ...Didn't forget his friends, either; about twenty-five percent of his cabinet and ambassadors were classmates of his who I also taught.  I was also apparently President McCauley's academic advisor, but I have no memory of him when he was here; he left after only one semester."

Jimmy cleared his throat.  "The Workerbot?"

"Well, it's strange," said Dr. Death.  "I've never seen a bug quite like this.  AI was never my forte; I was always more a user-interface man.  ...Wonderful UI these Workerbots have, by the way; able to communicate with you in plain English.  Turing would be proud.  But as for the AI...well, I admit I don't know what could cause a robot to enter a loop like that.  Not as if I have the source code onhand; I've been trying to hunt it down but I can't even figure out where this thing CAME from.  If I had some nice, clean, well-commented Java code, THEN we'd be in business.  Or Scheme, I suppose.  Functional paradigm has always been a favorite for AI."

Jimmy was rolling his eyes; Billy's jaw had dropped in total uncomprehension.

Janey said, "Dr. Death, where are you keeping this Workerbot?"

From what little they could see of Death's eyes and mouth beneath the iron mask, it appeared that he smiled.

"As you may have noticed, the former President left some secrets on this campus -- in this library, his namesake, and, I expect, in some of the dorms he used to live in as well.  But in particular, I remember he came here several years ago to kick off remodeling of the engineering building...he took particular joy in renovating my office with a baseball bat, if memory serves.  I'll accompany you to south campus...I believe you'll find what you're looking for, and quite a bit more."