Date: Wed, 22 Oct 1997 18:19:01 -0700 From: Thad Boyd Subject: KateStory IX: Third Anniversary Extravaganza! -- The Beginning. =) All right, I hate to sully this hallowed event by adding rules at the beginning, but some people just don't have common sense about good netiquette, so here goes: 1. PLEASE at least skim through the compilation of previous KateStories on my homepage ([ http://www.corporate-sellout.com/ ]) so you have some semblance of an idea of what's going on. Oh yeah, and the little "advisory/rating" thingy applies to this, too. Little bit o' objectionable material, mainly some foul language. So kids, don't use foul language, and stuff. 2. If at all possible, use "Reply-To-All's". The reasons for this are as follows: * I'm not going to be the only one sending these off, and if you do a "Reply To Sender Only" on, say, a chapter by Brent, we're in trouble. =) * I'd like to edit a post all at once, instead of once for spelling/grammar and once for cosmetics (ie HTML and whatnot for the ultimate compilation). * If one person (ie, me) is responsible for forwarding these along, he (I use the male pronoun because IT WOULD BE ME, not because I'm a male chauvinist pig) might be tempted to try and prevent Median Effects, and it wouldn't be a KateStory without Median Effects. =7 3. NO MAJOR FF7 SPOILERS. Try not to use too many severe spoilers from ANYTHING, but LEAST of all FF7. If anyone here wanted to know all the keypoints of the plot, they'd've glanced at the first half-dozen entries on alt.games.final-fantasy. 4. If you're going to unsubscribe (God forbid), send a message to ME, NOT the whole list. If you spam the whole list to prevent yourself from getting spam, I WILL make you suffer. 5. In the same vein: If you're going to unsubscribe, DON'T JUST USE THE WORD "UNSUBSCRIBE", because I WON'T DO IT. You have to specify whether you want to be kept off both Sonic lists (on-topic and this one, off-topic), just off-topic, or be kept on off-topic but not be sent any KateStory entries. 6. DON'T PANIC! =D And now, without further ado... KateStory IX: Third Anniversary Extravaganza It was a typical, cheerful day. Meteor floated lazily in the sky, bringing all life's annihilation closer with every inch. It was the sort of thing that made one want to have a picnic. A lone Chocobo rider, however, was, unlike his fellows, NOT on a picnic. He was riding a Chocobo. Alone. The rider was, on inspection, a SOLDIER-in-training, as characterized by the standard blue armor and visored helmet of a Shinra officer, only with a cape flowing behind it. The rider clearly wasn't quite at SOLDIER level yet, however, as his weapon was a mere dagger -- albeit a rather ornate one that would have never found itself on an ordinary Shinra officer -- and his armlet was made of mithril -- an extravagant and hard-to-come-by metal, to be sure, but incapable of holding more than two linked Materia. The two Materia it happened to hold, at this point, were yellow and red; his single-slotted dagger held a green. The only thing on his person that could have been found on a full-fledged SOLDIER was a ring he was wearing. As it is even more of a plot device than the above-mentioned, I'll not get into what kind of ring it was at this point. The Temple was in a wide-open clearing, actually, but due to a mystic field surrounding it, it presented the feeling to its visitors of being enclosed. Mystic alterations of visitors' senses were what the Temple was all about. The Statues were, themselves, strange objects whose appearance varied depending on one's perception. At the forefront of them was a statue of Stefanie [...] hoisting a copy of The Hitch-Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy; she was flanked on her left side by Thad Boyd holding a copy of Final Fantasy 6 (with the number "3" on it crossed off), and on her left was the Statue of Brent Roberts, hoisting a cow skyward. Behind her were the Lesser Gods, headed by Justin Barber and Jess Rhodes, but they're not even remotely important at this point so I'm not going to make up whatever it was they were holding yet. Yet, when one moved a step, or blinked, or simply willed it to be so, the Statues' appearance changed. Stefanie [...] with the Guide became Kate Chaos with her flaming green hand; Brent Roberts with the cow was Hedgehog X hoisting Maleophonix the Singing Candy Machine; Thad Boyd with FF6 was suddenly Mega Man X saluting with his X-Buster. It was to this last that the aforementioned Chocobo rider rode. Stepping off the Chocobo (which was named HoJu), he reached for his saddlebag and withdrew a can of spraypaint, which he proceeded to shake up. Then, after doing the Evil Villain Cape Thing, he proceeded to spraypaint a mustache on the X Statue. "FREEZE!" screamed a voice. The SOLDIER-in-training whirled and found himself staring down the barrel (if one can call it that) of a homemade flame-thrower which was composed of a cigarette lighter on a stick. "Gi-Girard!" our hero stammered. "I thought you were on a picnic!" "Everything cooked real quick when I held it above my hair," Girard screamed. Then, back to business, the Flaming-Haired One pulled sheathed his Girard Gun to pull out a notebook and a pen. "Hmmmm...doing Evil Villain Cape Thing without being an evil villain...defacing one of the Statues...one of the Three, no less!" he screamed. "Grievous crimes. Punishment...GIRARDATION!" "How do you propose to punish ME, you fool?!" the SOLDIER-in-training responded. "HELLO! SEE THE CAPE?! I OUTRANK YOU, BUDDY!" "I'm a general in the Evil Army!" Girard screamed. "Not in THIS reality you aren't! You're looking for Post-Apocalyptic Circus Midgets!" With that, he drew his dagger. Girard looked at the trainee as if he had just asked for a fried weasel on a bun. Then, he screamed, "Resisting arrest, are we?" and drew his Girard Gun again. "FLAME THROWER!" screamed Girard. He stuck his Girard Gun up his nose and then proceeded to blow fire out of it. The SOLDIER-in-training laughed as the attack was neutralized...by the Fire Ring he wore. That's when Girard realized he was in deep shit. "I'M IN DEEP SHIT!" he shouted. The caped one nodded evilly, then invoked his OWN Yellow Materia -- Steal. "ARGH! MY MATERIA'S GONE!" Girard shrieked as his opponent took his Girard Gun -- and its Materia with it. "You only had fire attacks ANYWAY!" the rookie pointed out. "I had an Enemy Skill and a Fire!" Girard responded. "Mmmm-hmmm, and the only attack on the Enemy Skill was Flame Thrower, and I'm wearing a Fire Ring," the SOLDIER-to-be responded. "BUT I HADN'T USED MY FIRE MATERIA YET TO SEE IF *IT* WORKED!" Girard responded. Seeing there was no getting through to him, the dude with the visor invoked his Red (Summon) Materia: Mogo/Choc. Immediately, a Chocobo riding Mog burst into the Temple and crushed Girard, sending him off through the reality nexus to a completely different place. Girard gasped. Before him was something pinkish. He leapt at it, realizing that his adversary had sent him to the location of the evil object he had so long sought... "..." said the space where X used to be before he disintegrated. "..." responded the space where HX used to be before he disintegrated. "...!" said the space where, a second later, X inexplicably returned. "...?" queried the space where, a second later, HX inexplicably returned...without his armor. "Your armor's gone," X pointed out, and happily returned the slappage he had received from HX shortly before the travel that had caused their disintegration. HX's mind was too horror-filled to focus on warding off the slaps. His mind was on their horrific location...CASTLE CHAOS. AGAIN. Eventually, X realized this too, and slowly calmed down his slapping of HX until, gradually, it ceased. The both of them gaped at their "host" -- LOGIC. "Okay boys, you've torn the space-time continuum to shreds, torn ME to shreds, torn YOURSELVES to shreds..." "All in a day's work," X said with a grin. "...and now Girard has the Ultimate Destructive Materia." X and HX gaped. Here was such a terrible prospect that they might not forget about it in the next chapter...MIGHT not. HoJu stopped at the house. His rider dismounted and rang the doorbell. A rather attractive redhead opened the door for him. "Take off your helmet," she said in a sultry voice. He did so. She slapped him. Repeatedly. "OW!" he screamed. "What the hell was THAT for?!" "YOU'VE COME HERE TO BRING ME INTO ANOTHER KATESTORY!" she screeched. "How did you...?" "Take a wild guess, Billy," she responded. "Ummmm, all right. We can be imbued by the authors with whatever knowledge they want us to have?" She slapped him again. "That was RHETORICAL," she said. "Dammit Kelly! I can't help but say what I'm saying! I'm just a character in a KateStory!" "So am I! I can't help but slap you!" And then they suddenly reached an understanding and looked deep into each-other's eyes and Thad decided against including a Gratuitous Sex Scene, so Billy just proceeded to brief her. "Kelly...Girard has received the Ultimate Destructive Materia." "NO," Kelly gasped. "Not HIM. Not the..." "I'm afraid so, Kelly," Billy said. "Girard has...the Pink Balloon." Date: Wed, 22 Oct 1997 21:13:11 -0700 From: Stephen Tramer Subject: KateStory IX: The Evil Dr. Wily's Pascal Class It was a typical day in Pascal. Justin was sitting around picking his nose, Stoner Guy was sitting around being stoned, and Steve was rooting through source code and reading programming books like mad, trying to figure out how the hell to get his copy of NNBR (Not-Not Battle Royale) to work. Scott was off in the corner mumbling something to Evil-Brent (Not the God Brent Roberts, but a meer pseudo-Brent that didn't know how to program and couldn't even fathom half the not-logic [this being a KateStory and all] behind NNBR). For no apparent reason, there was a pink baloon floating in the corner of the room that nobody was paying attention to, and Other-Girard (the one from the continuity that Steve happens to be writing now) was just sort of drooling at it, the flames from his hair licking at the ceiling and blackening it a bit. It was blackening. A bit. So everybody was just sort of sitting there and mindlessly blabbering about something when the evil and twisted Dr. Wily walked into the room, looking rather evil and twisted. "You're looking rather evil and twisted today, sir," Steve said, half-looking up from his little programming book called 'How to make silly pointless games' (written, incidentaly, by Brenton Roberts). "Thank you, smartass boy," the evil and twisted Dr. Wily said, looking around. He was getting senile in his old years, and was running out of ideas for evil and twisted robots to help take over the world, so he had his Pascal students make them for him. "So, what do you pathetic children have for me today?" The Stoner Guy, up to this point forgotten by the author for no readily apparent reason, waved his hand around wildy. "Like, me, dude!" "You! Stoner Guy! Show me your evil and twisted robot!" Dr. Wily said, pointing at Stoner Guy. Stoner guy got up, and his pants nearly falling off, walked over to a corner of the room oposite the pink balloon, unveling a machine that looked like a giant bong. In fact, that's what it was. "It's, like, Bong Dude. He like, smokes up and stuff." Stoner Guy said. He flipped a big ugly switch on the side of the thing, and it came to life, immediately apprehending the Stoner Guy. "You're under arrest for possession of illegal substances," it said, "come with me, sonny." Stoner Guy looked shocked, and Steve laughed like the twisted demon he was, his healthy pale-while face looking rather evil. And twisted. "He-he. You shouldn't copy my code, Stoner Guy," he said, still laughing as the machine dragged the poor fool off. Dr. Wily shrugged. "Ok, who's next?" he asked, looking twisted and evil. Steve compensated by looking just as much so, only with the sort of sadistic glint that only authors of stupid little stories like this one can have. "Me! Me!" Steve said, dropping his book and jumping up and down. Dr. Wily pointed at him. "You, smartass boy," he commanded, "show me your twisted and evil machine." Steve got up and walked over to another corner oposite of the room, and unveiled his machine. "It's Dr. Wily Man!" he proclaimed in a tiwsted and evil way, "He makes programming students do stupid, pointless exercisises and build twisted and evil robots!" Dr. Wily cackled. "You got an A for this semester. That's the most twisted and evil thing I've seen." he said. Then he pointed at Other-Girard, a personal favorite of his to pick on. "You! Other-Girard! Show me your machine!" Everybody wondered why Dr. Wily called Girard Other-Griard, but then they remembered that this was a KateStory, and thus made no sense whatsoever. Other-Girard just pointed at the pink balloon. "That's it. I didn't build anything, so I brought in this balloon I found in my locker this morning." Girard gasped. Before him was something pinkish. He leapt at it, realizing that his adversary had sent him to the location of the evil object he had so long sought...IT WAS THE PINK BALLOON!!! Other-Girard screamed, and beat Girard with his flaming hair. "That's my pink balloon!" "No, it's MINE! It's the Ultimate Destructive Materia!" Girard screamed, beating back with his own flaming hair, "I'm the leader of the Evil Army!" "Moronhead!" Steve yelled, "That's in PACM!" He then checked off a little box on a sheet of paper that mysteriously appeared in his hand. "Only five more plugs to go," he mumbled. "Girard, that's the Black Materia you want," Scott said. He had been playing a little too much FF7 lately, as was easily indicated by the fact he was dressed as Sephiroth...only with orange hair. "No it's not! It's the Pink Balloon!" Girard said, and beat Scott with his flaming hair. While all this confusion was going on, Dr. Wily slowly slunk away to his secret headquarters, where he could think of more evil and twisted things to do, and maybe take this 'Ultimate Destructive Materia' away from this Girard that wasn't Other-Girard... Date: Wed, 22 Oct 1997 21:50:56 -0700 From: Thad Boyd Subject: KateStory IX: Third Anniversary Extravaganza! Heh heh. Now you guys know what I have to deal with when I edit Steve's stories. =) "Haven't you ever played Suikoden?" a voice in the corner asked Scott quietly. It was a soft voice, simultaneously dark and gentle, thus giving Scott a really odd vision of a hybrid Ben Kenobi/Magus entity. "G...Girard? Since when could YOU read? Y...you're INCAPABLE of playing something like Suikoden!" "I am NOT the one you call Girard," the figure responded, rather angrily. "Point one: FACIAL HAIR. I sincerely doubt HE will ever have any. Point TWO: my eyes are vacant in that they have no pupils, not vacant as in uncomprehending. Point THREE: my hair is NOT on fire; that's the mark that has stayed on me ever since my...unfortunate transformation to energy. My name is..." "Hey, I haven't read that issue yet, moronhead!" Steve shouted, silencing him. The two Girards were still duking it out. Dr. Wily Man, who had been left behind when Dr. Wily returned to his fortress, watched the scuffle with little interest, seeing that they were incapable of doing each-other any real harm. "Oh YEAH?!" Girard shouted at Other-Girard. "Well, I still have something you don't...ONE MORE MATERIA!" He held up his wrist, on which he had a one-slot bangle. "Eat...PRE-EMPTIVE?! WHY THE HELL AM I CARRYING AROUND A PRE-EMPTIVE?!" Other-Girard took that moment to pounce on him. Flailing madly, Girard managed to hit the Pink Balloon to the other end of the room, where it managed to hit the control band worn by the man who had been talking to Scott. "Oh, NO!" he (the guy who had been talking to Scott) gasped, as both Girards and the Pink Balloon disappeared. "...So what are we going to do about it?" Kelly asked. "We need intergalactic contact," Billy responded. "Maybe we can reach Hedgehog X. Or Kate. Or that frog dude. Or that guy with the chain. Or that psycho guy with the funky accent who thought he was my dad. Or that treasure-hunter Japanese guy. Or Mykingdomforanose. Or Anticlimax. Or that dork who thought he could fly. Or LOGIC." Kelly noted Billy's slander of X with irritance. "You KNOW we're going to end up with X. This IS a KateStory." Billy swore. "Fine then, let's try ANYWAY. Kel, fire up your innerroseter..." Date: Thu, 23 Oct 1997 15:08:33 -0700 From: "Mr. \"Bob\"" [NOTE: This is Brent. This is your only reminder.] Organization: Shut up. Subject: Re: KateStory IX: Third Anniversary Extravaganza! Oh God... I feel a disturbace [FFMQ Final Battle Theme begins to play for some reason] Like... oh no, it IS... a KATESTORY!!! [interlude stops, battle begins, etc.] "Billy, do you hear something like... background theme music?" "Yes... it's horrible! It's catchy and outdated and annoying and soothing all at the same time! Make it stop! Make it stop!" "You guys don't like Final Fantasy Mystic Quest music?" asked a hurt voice. "HELL no!" Kelly cried, her head about to explode. The grayfurred creature who had for no apparanet reason appeared with Tristam's Theme playing behind him shrugged and growled, "Well then suffer, you stupid mortals," and grabbed them both by the wrist. "What ARE you doing?" Billy growled. "I'm a character written into this story for no reason. Call me, uh, Glitch, yeah, cool. Anyone know what this is?" He pulled out a pistol with a small flame coming out of it. "Yeah, Girard had that thing up his nose I think," Billy answered, "It's, like, a flamethrower or a..." "Girard Gun. It told me." "It WHAT?" "Its name is Fred." Billy shrugged, "NOW what do we do?" Glitch looked crosseyed at the ground, "Stand, um, 2 steps to your left." Kelly and Billy shrugged and did so. "Now wait... and..." Kelly and Billy were both hit by falling Girards. Glitch took the Pink Balloon [Bum bum BUUUUM!] and laughed like... well, Glitch really. X and HX suddenly had the same thought, which was that they were not having any thoughts. "Like, what were we supposed to remember last chapter?" X said. "Dunno," HX said. LOGIC sighed, "Girard has the Pink Balloon." "Fome," X and HX said. HX looked at X, "X, why do you have Macarena's skirt on your head?" Hedgehog X the Epitome of Nothing Date: Sun, 26 Oct 1997 18:59:39 -0700 From: Thad Boyd Subject: Re: KateStory IX: Third Anniversary Extravaganza! All right, note to everyone subscribing: Binx has unsubscribed. Just a reminder: the KateStory is not for those with heart conditions. ;) Seriously, though, it's too bad she couldn't contribute, but we've got a much more humorouser replacement: our old buddy Havoc! Stephen Tramer wrote: > Dr. Wily was also rather perturbed. He was also twisted and evil, but > we already know that. He didn't like it when things materialized in his > classroom. He liked it even less when one of them looked like a robot > that had caused him a great deal of trouble. Then Steve smacked the > bastard upside the head with his Magickal Black Toaster and made him > dissapear. Unfortuantely, he was replaced by Crazy Willy, who proceeded > to beat the crap out of everybody. Suddenly, there was a shout of, "I WEEL KEECK YOU EEN THE BALLS!" and a dark form descended from the skylight, which a few thought odd, considering the building had never had a skylight before. "EAT SHIT AND DIE!" Crazy Willy screamed at his nemesis, the Moron Ninja. Suddenly, there was a loud thud as The Flyin' Dork plowed headfirst into Crazy Willy in a vain attempt to fly. This caved Willy's head into his neck. "EESHEE MM I!" screamed a muffled voice from under The Flyin' Dork's head. Suddenly, with a loud "POP!", The Flyin' Dork was propelled back out through the skylight, actually flying for the second time in his life. Glaring at each-other angrily, the Moron Ninja and Crazy Willy began to circle, ready to fight to the death. From: AQKapugen Date: Sun, 26 Oct 1997 21:39:55 -0500 (EST) Heh heh heh. My turn. << This guy was, quite obviously, Crazy Willy. He ran around the Highwind and proceeded to beat the crap out of whoever was left on board, which consisted of a roast beef sandwich and some of the other characters left over from part VII that had been ignored. Dr. Wily was also rather perturbed. He was also twisted and evil, but we already know that. He didn't like it when things materialized in his classroom. He liked it even less when one of them looked like a robot that had caused him a great deal of trouble. Then Steve smacked the bastard upside the head with his Magickal Black Toaster and made him dissapear. Unfortuantely, he was replaced by Crazy Willy, who proceeded to beat the crap out of everybody. >> Ok, once upon a time, somewhere over the rainbow, in a galaxy far far away, there was a fat man in a green suit who laughed like a horse and a blonde chick in a red dress who's a slut. And there was also some guy with a beard, who wore a cheesy tux-look'n thing, but he's really not all that special. None of them are. But I don't care. Anyway... "Gyah hah hah, we've devised a really big new weapon that can destroy Crazy Willy," said the fat man who laughed like a horse. His name's Heidegger, by the way. "Who the hell is Crazy Willy?" asked the slut, Scarlet. "And why the hell are WE in this story?" asked Reeve, the bearded guy. "BECAUSE AQ CAN'T THINK OF ANYTHING ELSE!" "...Oh...sorry." "Now," Heidegger continued, "as I was saying. We've devised a new weapon that can fry him. It's a cannon. A really big cannon. Gyah hah hah!" "Kyah hah hah!" Scarlet laughed. "Gyah hah hah!" "Kyah hah hah!" "Gyah hah hah!" "GET ON WITH IT, YOU FREAKS!" Reeve screamed. "...Oh...sorry." After a moment of trying to remember just what the hell they were laughing about, Scarlet finally shouted, "I'VE GOT IT!" "Got what?" Heidegger asked. "The name of the new weapon," Scarlet replied. "The name of the new weapon will be called...the SUGAR RAY!" "Um...don't you mean...the Sister Ray?" "No, I mean the Sugar Ray. What's more deadlier than ska?" "Oh, you've got a point there. FIRE!" And so, the cannon appeared from nowhere and it was fired. I'm through. To be continued. I'm going get some nachos. -AQ Date: Sun, 26 Oct 1997 20:56:55 -0700 From: Thad Boyd AQKapugen wrote: > And so, the cannon appeared from nowhere and it was fired. I'm through. To > be continued. I'm going get some nachos. A lightning blast struck two feet to our heroes' left. "THAT came damn close to being a Median Effect," Hedgehog X commented as he kicked Stoner-Guy's charred form away. "Dammit, Stoner-Guy," said Paul, "Dr. Wily's TOLD you not to smoke in class!" And then he was damned to hell for using a bad pun. Meanwhile, X saw the Sugar Ray off in the distance. "It looks like the Harkins Centerpoint with a gun on it," he commented. Date: Mon, 27 Oct 1997 14:58:18 -0800 From: "Mr. \"Bob\"" Thad Boyd wrote: > > And so, the cannon appeared from nowhere and it was fired. I'm through. To > > be continued. I'm going get some nachos. > > A lightning blast struck two feet to our heroes' left. > "THAT came damn close to being a Median Effect," Hedgehog X commented as he > kicked Stoner-Guy's charred form away. > "Dammit, Stoner-Guy," said Paul, "Dr. Wily's TOLD you not to smoke in class!" > > And then he was damned to hell for using a bad pun. > Meanwhile, X saw the Sugar Ray off in the distance. "It looks like the > Harkins Centerpoint with a gun on it," he commented. "Allusions no one gets aside, we have to stop that cannon!" HX said, feeling suddenly like a comic book character. "Um... hold it there, my spiky assed friend. Don't we WANT Crazy Willy to die?" HX shrugged. The cannon fired. Crazy Willy died. An animated character assembled from construction paper appeared and shouted, "OH MY GOD!!! YOU KILLED WILLY!!! YOU BASTARDS!!!" But the god Brentai, who's been noted to eat construction paper... well, ate him. At any rate the Moron Ninja REALLY wanted to fight someone, so he turned to whoever hadn't been incinerated yet and screamed, "I WEEL KEECK YOU ALL IN ZE BALLS!!!" "I haven't GOT balls!" X retorted. HX took out a book of KateStories and tried to prove that X did, in fact, have balls, when suddenly... "Gyah ha ha!" "Kyah ha ha!" "Gyah ha ha!" "Kyah ha ha!" "KNOCK IT OFF, YOU CONSTIPATED BASTARDS!!!" Reeve snapped. So they did. Heidegger looked over the blackened remains of Crazy Willy. Oddly enough his charred bones were laid out to read 'Have A Nice Day'. "Ha ha ha! With Crazy Willy aside, nothing can stop us from... EATING A ROAST BEEF SANDWICH!!!" Heidegger ate a roast beef sandwich. Scarlet blinked, "I thought you wanted to take over the world." "That too. AND SO WE SHALL!!! Gyah..." "Don't even try it," Reeve hissed. Suddenly a chorus started to sing: o~/ They're Scarlet and Heidegg' o~/ Scarlet and Heidegg' o~/ One is a fat man o~/ The other's a slut... Reeve shot them all. And it was Good(TM). Then out of one of the computers which was running NNBR stepped Girard, holding the Girard Gun with the Pink Balloon tied to it, "Sorry, boys and girls, but this world is MINE." Everybody tensed. HX grinned, "You know what happens now, don't you?" he whispered to his companions. "Big fight scene," Amaroq confirmed, "Really big fight scene." "IT'S MORPHINE TIME!!!!!" X shouted. Stoner Guy started drooling, despite the fact he was dead. "I mean... IT'S MORPHIN' TIME!!!" And it began. Hedgehog X "Go Go... Away." -Scarry Larry Date: Mon, 27 Oct 1997 16:24:53 -0800 From: "Mr. \"Bob\"" Stephen Tramer wrote: > But, unfortunately, since he had been killed by an FF7 character, the > Crappy Fanfare played anyway. And everybody's head exploded. So they > were all dead. > > But...what had happened to Billy and Kelly...? They were dead too because Brent said so. So there. Next? Death Incarnate From: janelane69 Date: Mon, 27 Oct 1997 20:35:09 -0500 > So there they were - Girard, Fred (with the Pink Balloon), >Reeve, and, >for no reason, Evil Wokko [Bumm-bummm-buuuummmm!!!!] as the Bad >People(TM), and HX, X, Amaroq, and the Moron Ninja. They just sort of >stood there. "I know!" shouted HX, bouncing up and down, "Let's make >them listen to the Crappy Fanfare!" Everybody screamed. Except >Justin, >because he LIKED the Crappy Fanfare. So Reeve shot him. And it was >Good(TM). > But, unfortunately, since he had been killed by an FF7 >character, the >Crappy Fanfare played anyway. And everybody's head exploded. So they >were all dead. > >But...what had happened to Billy and Kelly...? Everyone in the Religion class turned suddenly, shocked to find a redhead and some guy sitting in the back of the class. The two looked at eachother confused and sat down in desks. "You two, whoever you are, are going to have to stand back up and tuck in your shirts", said Fr. Mike. The two did so. Jupiter turned to Ash, "who the hell are these people?'' she asked, looking up at her friend who was intently drawing a picture of a triple breasted whore, whom she decided to name Eccentrica. She looked at jupiter, then at the two people, shrugged. She started to answer but was distracted by the sound of writing on the board. Someone, who no one knew, was writing "All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy" repeatedly on the board. Tha man sat down after filling the entire space on the bored. "Well, it looks like we have quite a few visitors today, would you like to introduce yourselves?" Fr. Mike said after a long, remotely awkward silence. The first two visitors stood up. "I'm Kelly," said the red-haired chick, "and this here is Billy". Billy offered up a sort of wave. "Hi", said father Mike. Jupiter looked at the two who had sat down in the desk next to her and the one behind that. She looked throught her school bag. Jeez, I really need a mentos she thought to herself, pulling one out and popping it in her mouth. She repeated this three times then finally colmed down. She gave one to Ash, and then offered Billy and Kelly one, figuring if they suddenly fell into her Religion class at 8:57 in the morning, there day had to be worse than ners was starting out to be. The second man who had been writing on the board stood up, grinning an evil, demented grin and said in an bad German accent "I am the Dali Lamma." "Wasn't he creameted?" asked Jupiter, feeling so confused that she ate another mentos and offered one to everyone she'd given one to earlier. Staring at the man who was insisting he was the Dali Llamma, they took it thankfully. Jupiter kicked back in her chair, this ought to be one hell of a day she thought. The man left the room, singing safety dance skipping down the hallway with a ballon in his hand. The lunch bell rang. Jupiter and Ashley went to their lookers, got their books and headed to lunch, suddenly glad that it was third peroid lunch so they could try to make some sence out of what had just happened. Little did they know what would be waiting for them at lunch... Jupiter Date: Thu, 30 Oct 1997 18:35:13 -0800 From: "Mr. \"Bob\"" Thad Boyd wrote: > > Stephen Tramer wrote: > > > Steve was a bit miffed by the fact that Thad had gotten rid of him, but > > he just kept going on. He HATED Prescott, so he beat X over the head > > with a big wooden board until X shot all of the evil hicks with his > > futuristic toaster. Steve was then Happy(TM), and he decided that now > > would be a good time to end this pointless bit. And so he did. > > "Wait a minute!" Thad shouted, as he suddenly crashed in through the skylight. "X CAN'T > HARM HUMANS! IT'S BRENT IN DISGUISE AGAIN!" After trying for several minutes to remove X's > face, Thad ultimately realized that they HADN'T been humans, they'd been Prescott residents, > so he shrugged and walked off. At this point Brentai the Cow God was a little perturbed, not by the last reply of course, "OK, I admit, I figured I could get you to be a little nice to me if I didn't drool all over FF7 and follow it around like a crazed fanatic, was fucking WRONG, didn't get FF7, and you're intent about taking advantage of it and making it so I can't do a damn thing with KateStory AKA FF8. Or something." "No," said Thad. "I KNOW I'M NOT RIGHT, I'M JUST WONDERING WHAT THE FUCK IT'S LIKE TO BE A BASHER!!!" "How is it?" "Dirty, but at least I get to do THIS!" Nothing happened. Brentai was feeling a little shaky anyway, so he gulped down half a bottle of whiskey and went on, "I'm sorry, Thad, I MADE A MISTAKE!!!" "DAMMIT, I'M THE ONLY PERSON WHO CAN ADMIT THAT!!!" Brentai kicked Thad's ass real quick and continued, "FF7 does not suck, I haven't played it. Some of the music is quite good, some of it Nobuo Uematsu should be shot for. The graphics are polygons and I have made it my sacred duty to say polygons suck even when they don't. I made the silly error of comparing FF7 to other Final Fantasies. Compared to Chrono Trigger it kicks ass. Compared to FF6 it kisses ass." Thad miraculously restrained himself, "Truce?" "Porre." "D'OH!!!" said a bunch of people who had heard the awful awful joke. Thad and Brentai shook hands. Then Thad asked, "What WERE you going to do a second before anyway?" "Oh Thaaaad..." crooned a voice that was music to his ears, though anyone else would have wretched. Suddenly there was a hideous lion who looked very much like a male but was wearing a 2-piece swimsuit, "Ready for bed?" "Right away Scatter!" Thad cried happily, and bounced away with Scatter and thankfully out of the story. Brentai finished his whiskey, "Whoops," he said without emotion, threw the bottle nowhere, did the Evil Cape Thingy(TM), turned about face throwing it about with a flourish, took a few steps, looked back, grinned and added, "Nothing like the sound of 1 voices screaming and 1 voice yiffing in unison." "SEPHIROTH!!!" cried a demonic choir Brentai had hired. Brentai stared at them, "My name is Brentai, you uptight assholes." "Sorry, you were just strong as Sephiroth and we got you confused." Brentai grinned, "I might like FF7 references after all," he cracked, but shot them all anyway and walked off. X looked at all this a little confused. Then he looked around. He was alone in a wide open space with the Moron Ninja. The Moron Ninja screamed, "I will keeck myself in the balls!" And he did. Hedgehog X the Evil and Drunken (and ignored *sniff*), Whee!!! Date: Sun, 02 Nov 1997 09:55:08 -0800 From: "Mr. \"Bob\"" Thad Boyd wrote: > "Help you with WHAT...?" Thad responded. "OMNISLASH!" And Jenova fell. > "Dammit Thad," Brent said. "Dammit Thad," Brent said again, "Now what? Everyone's dead!" "We're not dead!" Thad pointed out. Brent picked up Thad by the collar and glared at him. "Uh oh, Thad groaned, "You have that 'Kill the little man' look in your eye." And Brent killed him. "Space. It's... pretty big. These are the voyages of the Starship SecondPrize. Our until-we-get-canceled mission... to visit strange new worlds, seek out intelligent civilizations, and then save their stories from utter annihilation. "Captain's Log, Stardate 84937635409650412398654098623509836409548 69038643092365437409854609547497648980754605498707465430987640983740895640 9640847049344390875409687094740396735409654094685054986549.42, by coincidence also the value of the US National Debt. I'm bored as hell." "Captain," cried DeCoy, "A violent alien race is attacking us for no damn reason!" Captain Piquant swiveled his cushy seat to face a giant plastic utensil, "Any suggestions, Mr. Spork?" "I say we kicketh their asses." Piquant swiveled again, "Hwarf, arm all weapons and blow them up." "Cap'n!" cried the intercom. The voice had a heavy accent and was drunk as hell. Piquant groaned. He knew Brent was writing this bit and Scotchy's accent would be crappy as hell, "Go ahead." "We've taken heavy damage Cap'n, the cahm'ra's shakin' like a scared choowawa!" Piquant shivered. Suddenly the camera on the bridge shook and everyone threw themselves to the ground. "AUGH!!!" cried Spork, "My arm is broken!" "You don't have arms, you're a stupid spork!" DeCoy shouted. "Whatever." Piquant hissed, "Hwarf, blow them up al..." the alien ship onscreen exploded, "Nevermind." Then he hit his intercom, "Bones, we're beaming Spork to Sick Bay. He has a broken arm." "Dammit, I'm a doctor not a... thank you, I'll get right on it." On Earth, the Moron Ninja kicked himself in the balls again. Writer of the One Big Argument Date: Mon, 03 Nov 1997 18:52:45 -0700 From: Thad Boyd Mr. "Bob" wrote: > Thad Boyd wrote: > > > "Help you with WHAT...?" Thad responded. "OMNISLASH!" And Jenova fell. > > "Dammit Thad," Brent said. > > "Dammit Thad," Brent said again, "Now what? Everyone's dead!" > "We're not dead!" Thad pointed out. > Brent picked up Thad by the collar and glared at him. "Uh oh, > Thad groaned, "You have that 'Kill the little man' look in your eye." > And Brent killed him. Unfortunately, Brent hadn't been paying close enough attention to what Thad had equipped in Eirias' materia slots. As he turned on his heel, he heard a shout of, "PHOENIX!" As Brent beheld the rather large bird, his flesh was generally seared off, but the author decided to leave his eyes intact so he could witness Thad's revival in the best health he'd ever been in. "Phoenix and Final Attack," Thad said. "Gotta love it." Date: Sat, 08 Nov 1997 23:38:11 -0800 From: "Mr. \"Bob\"" Okay, okay, I've waited long enough. Boredom is a wonderful thing, isn't it? Thad Boyd wrote: > > DAMMIT, JOOPS, YOU ALMOST CREATED A MEDIAN EFFECT!!! One might say you > couldn't help it, since you've got a crappy-ass mailer that doesn't receive > mail in a timely fashion, but then, you're CHOOSING to use a crappy-ass > mailer that doesn't receive mail in a timely fashion. You really should get > something GOOD...or even use the Netscape one you've got, which is STILL > better than Juno. Can you summarize that please? *I* didn't understand half of it, Joops DEFINITELY won't. > Ah well...at least your reply fit into the continuity, so no lightning bolts > at the moment... Come to think of it, did I ever really mention lightning bolts? I think they were rips in space/time that looked a lot like lightning, and what else WOULD they look like? > > They didn't have time to think of an answer before they were > > sucked suddenly into a building in a parallel universe and put into two > > seperate rooms Jupiter was put in a room where she found Brent, and they > > did some things that the author shouldn't metion out of respect for > > Thad's request, but they had fun some with magic shell chocolate syrup. DAMMIT JOOPS... ah, well, I'll forgive me if you... OOH, yeah, THAT's it! > > Stef didn't bother to look up from the floor of her room, knowing > > that she peobably wouldn't like what was ther when she looked up "Damn > > LOGIC, or ILLOGIC, or whatever the bloody thing is, it put us here I > > bet," Stef yelled. She was a might bit tiffed. She then decided to > > stop putting off the inevitable and looked up. Her anger turned to shock > > at what she saw... > > Stephen Tramer wrote: > > > It was Brent and Joops having a Pointless Sex Scene(TM)! "OH NO!!!" > Sadly, Joops had made the sad mistake of sadly mistaking magic shell > chocolate syrup for being a good thing to use in a KateStory. > "DAMN NEWBIE!" Brent screeched. "YOU GAVE ME SOMETHING MAGIC IN A > KATESTORY!" > "Ummmmm, yeah, so...?" > "Thad TOLD you to read the previous parts..." Halfway through his > speech, Brent's voice went up two octaves. "ARGH! WHY'D YOU HAVE TO PUT > IT...THERE?!" OW!!! THAD, THAT HURT JUST READING IT!!! Actually, I scooted my seat up a little to far into the desk my comp is sitting on, but it still hurt. ;) > "You've no right to complain!" Joops responded, looking down at her own > body -- the parts that hadn't been covered in magic shell chocolate syrup. > > "Ready to form Voltron!" Keith said. "Activate interlocks...dynotherms > connected...megathrusters are go!" > "VOLTRON!" chorused the Voltron force. "BEEF!" cried the Beef Force, and fed the Voltron force valiantly. > "Form feet and legs!" Keith commanded. "Form arms and body! And I'll > form the head!" > Voltron flew through the air, the lions composing its arms and legs > roaring. > "Form blazing sword!" Keith commanded. > And, having sufficiently quoted Voltron, Thad returned to the > regularly-scheduled KateStory. > "And I thought *I* had it bad," Billy commented. He then went back to > apologize to X. Stef recovered hours later from the shock, but she didn't wake up to anything less traumatic. In fact, the first thing she saw was Brent in leather dancing around singing "I'm a sweet trans..." Stef screamed. "Stef!" cried an insane cripple who had gotten his way into the story via original use of magnetic fields. "Dr. Scott!" Stef cried. "Stef!" Joops yelled. "Joops!" Stef said. "Rocky!" Brent said like it was in heat. "Huh?" said Rocky, who had hitched a ride in Dr. Scott's wheelchair. "STEF! DR. SCOTT! STEF! JOOPS! ROCKY! Huh?" "STEF! DR. SCOTT! STEF! JOOPS! ROCKY! Huh?" "STEF! DR. SCOTT! STEF! JOOPS! ROCKY! Huh?" Brent growled, "Okay, gag's overused!" And everyone stopped. Brent took a moment to admire his rear, which wasn't there anymore, but he admired it because neither was the horribly misplaced V. He took up a seductive (for what gender?) pose and said sumptuously, "I'd like to propose a toast!" Steve threw 64,000 pieces of toast at him. Suddenly a cry rang out from nowhere (actually, it came from the sky, but nowhere sounds better), "Form feet and legs! Form arm and body! And I'll form the sword!" "Wait, that didn't sound right!" Stef whispered. Brent donned a look of mortal fear, which was absolutely pathetic to see on a guy in leather, "I think I know what's coming." "Form Blazing Head!" "GIRARDTRON!!!" Everyone screamed. In a profound display of bad taste in RPG music Brent picked the Secret of Mana Boss Theme to play at this moment. Hedgehog X the Rat