The Gatrix

At Comdex '03, Bill Gates, to promote the next version of Windows, unveiled a Matrix spoof starring himself as Morpheus and Steve Ballmer as Neo. For some reason they seem to have thought this was a much better outlet for their time, money, and energy than, say, working on fixing the massive fucking security holes that plague their software. To each his own.

All I've seen of it so far is still images, so I've decided to fill in the dialogue myself.

Mister Ballmer. It seems that you have been living two lives. In one life, you are Steven A. Ballmer, president and CEO of a respectable software company. You have a social security number, you pay next to no taxes, and you enjoy working out at the gym, jogging, and...playing basketball.

The other life is lived in computers, where you go by the hacker alias Stupid Asshole With No Sense of Irony or Hint of Even the Most Tenuous Grip On Reality, and are guilty of virtually every antitrust violation we have a law for. Which might be forgivable if your software sucked less.

One of these lives has a future. One of them does not.

I'm going to be as forthcoming as I can be, Mr. Ballmer. You are here because we need your help.

We know that you're in contact with a certain individual, a man who calls himself...Gates. Now, whatever you think you know about this man is irrelevant. He is considered by many authorities to be the most dangerous man alive.

My colleagues believe that I am wasting my time with you, but I believe you want to do the right thing. It is obvious that you are an intelligent man, Mr. Ballmer, and that you are interested in the future. That is why I believe you are ready to put your past mistakes behind you and get on with your life.

We are willing to wipe the slate clean, to give you a fresh start...and all we are asking in return is your cooperation in bringing a known terrorist to justice.

Yeah. Wow. That sounds like a real good deal. ...No, I mean that. I'm the President of fucking Microsoft; I'd sell my own mother up the river for seventy-five cents off my next meal at IHOP. And I don't even eat at IHOP.

Sir, he's got a phone call.

Oh. Well let's just let him take it. We're late for our West Side Story rehearsal.

I was bluffing anyway. We were just going to give him a slap on the wrist; that's pretty much how the government's used to handling Microsoft.

...What the fuck is wrong with my right arm?

...Yeah, hello?

WHOOOOOOAAAAAA!!!!!

Whoa.

Gates and Ballmer

...Bill? ...You as Morpheus? You have got to be shitting me.

Why? I'm just like Morpheus! Brave defender of the status quo, a man who will stop at nothing to make sure computer development continues forward on its present course...

...Uh, Bill...have you ever actually seen The Matrix?

Fuck no. It was made with FreeBSD. Stuck-up Hollywood assholes.

...For Christ's sake, Bill, your official title is Chief Software Architect. Is it really that tough to figure out which Matrix character you should be cast as...?